September 23, 2002 Kim Kahmer, a really nice girl I first met in grade school, died this morning. I feel guilty because last week I had a dream about her, that she was well and happy and it was a subconscious reminder that I knew that by this time she probably was doing poorly, and I should contact her. I made sure we prayed for her just two days ago at bible study. What was it that stopped me from calling, from saying "hi"? Meagan said it best when she told me about Kim's fundraiser and how awkward she felt, "Hi, how are you? I heard you were dying, how do you feel?" The last fundraiser for her was the day of the USA Buffet. I had committed to that event months in advance. I remember thinking that if I had known about it, I could have done both. But I just presumed that there would be another fundraiser where I'd see her again. There wasn't. There isn't. There won't be. What do I do now? I remember last August at the fundraiser at the Swim Club how it was like an early high school reunion, but for the wrong reasons. She hugged me told me how she was glad I was there. She was shocked because of how many of us showed up to support her. I need to pick up a sympathy card for her family. That seems like so little for what they have gone through. Pre-printed words on a colorful piece of cardboard don't seem right. I don't think there are words in any human tongue that can bring solace to a parent burying a child. Having known her for a brief while, I beleive that she was also a Christian. From the way she lived, I would presume so. The sadness is lessened when you know you will meet again a long time from now and that she's in a place now where there are no tears. The sadness I'm feeling is more for the people she left behind and the things that were undone. I don't know what her aspirations were. I hope she achieved at least just one. That part scares me because I'm reminded about how unpredictable life is and how I should work harder towards the aspirations I have. How much better the world was that she was in it. I remember her mostly as being kind, she never had any of this petty clique business that the others girls did, probably like I did for that matter. She always had friends. She was sensitive to what others said about her - never thick skinned. I would say she was true to herself. I know she was also very brave, more that I could ever be or hope to be. I think I learned from her, and my life is that much richer for it. Thank you, Kim. September 15, 2002 The USA Buffet has come and gone, but I have a lot of pictures and hard work to show for it. I'd call it a success. The silent auction raised at least $5000 so far. I have to write Patty a thank you note for the emergency feed sacks from Goucher... Anywhoo, I've come to realize that I update this page WAY too infrequently. Might be too much overtime. Mom's afraid that I'll burn out. Can't say I blame her for worrying. Funny, I hate stress, but I do really well when I'm living on it. It's a strange paradox. For some reason as unpleasant as it can be, I tend to keep my edge better when under pressure, I get exhausted, but find it worthwhile. Ah well, diamonds are forged under pressure. After doing the student government thing so much of what I do at work seems like cake. I worked tonight, it's Sunday, and I was at work tonight. Alas, I missed the first meeting of the writer's group at church. I think I need to find something new to write about. I'll get with Tray to find out what the assignment was. I've updated the link of the day page, it's now President Bush's September 12 speech to the 'U.N. I feel that it's a milestone, not a millstone. In the words of one of our founding fathers, the tree of Liberty sometimes needs to be watered with the blood of tyrants. As gruesome as that sounds, and as much as I loathe the idea of young men dying for any reason, I feel that war is necessary if it means that the children I shall have one day will never know a day like September 11. I believe our cause to be just. I've been tempted to write out my journal entry from September 11, 2001. It was exactly a week after I started work and I was at work when the planes hit and on break when I heard the news. Maybe tomorrow. Gotta go to bed, it just turned tomorrow seven minutes ago. Want more?